memories
by hobbsey
Summary: vincent's 'sin' and the consequences thereof. vincent/lucrecia. my first attempt at an FFVII fic - reviews much appreicated!


memories

The Shinra Towers were extremely tall, he noticed, looking up at them. Normally he didn't bother to look – it only served to remind him of what he was there for, and what he shouldn't be doing. But tonight was different. He stood there and watched the light blinking on the top… red, steady, soothing his troubled mind, and calming his thoughts. He didn't notice the rain pouring down upon him, plastering his uncombed black hair to the sides of his face. He didn't notice the water stinging his eyes and numbing his body. For some reason or another, he was entranced watching that steady red light at the top of the tower.

Lost in thought, he gazed there for a good while before noticing the lights go out in each of the tiny windows in the tower. As the lights dimmed, the stars in the sky brightened – perhaps to show him some mercy and optimism, perhaps just mocking his life. He didn't know. But, ever cynical, he opted for the latter and averted his gaze. He wasn't surprised to see a young woman – barely in her twenties – looking at him, her gaze both interested and jesting at the some time.

"Hell of a time to be lost in thought, Valentine," she stated bluntly, speaking loudly so he could hear her through the rain. She rushed over to him, holding out an umbrella to keep her newly-permed hair and newly-pressed navy blue suit dry. She outstretched her arm toward him, holding out another umbrella. He could tell that she'd just gotten back form the beauty parlor; her lips glinted pink with some garish lipstick and her fingernails were painted aqua. He'd never been much of one for people with makeovers, himself; his philosophy was that if he could see it he didn't want to. But she was different. He'd known her long enough that she could wear a huge amount of makeup, and he'd still call her a friend.

Looking down at his own blue suit, and realizing that it had turned black with the rain, he took the umbrella and managed a weak smile. Of course, though, Maaya could see through him like a window, and she just gave him this puzzled look.

"C'mon, Vincent, we'll talk about it inside."

Vincent nodded and opened the umbrella, emblazoned with the Shinra Logo. He concentrated to put one foot in front of the other, and looked up one last time to see if the light was still on. Maaya opened the door for him; he nodded his head and walked inside. The pair was greeted there by the third Turk, Robert, who had just joined them this year. He was quite… enthusiastic about his work. Maaya jokingly said that it made a good counter to Vincent's reluctance and cynical ways.

"Hey, guys," Robert said, leaning against a chair in the lobby. "What kept ya so long?" He winked quite lewdly at Maaya, who blushed.

"Valentine here was completely off in his own little world. Starin' at the top of the tower… you're gonna have quite some stiff neck tomorrow."

Robert laughed, but Vincent just nodded. He loosened the tie on his suit and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"I don't mind stiff necks. Don't even notice them."

The room was quiet for a few moments as the replacement receptionist stepped in. She was new as well. He name was Amy Crandle, and she was one of Maaya's old friends. Seeing Amy step in, Robert went over to flirt.

"A bit enthusiastic in everything, isn't he, Vincent?" Maaya said, stepping over toward him.

"And who would know better than Miss Amy over there?"

Maaya blushed again and laughed, her loud chuckles filling the otherwise silent room. "Don't tell me you haven't had a girlfriend before, Vincent."

Vincent averted his eyes and frowned. Maaya set her hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him as best as she could. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up…"

Vincent looked up again. "It's no problem, Maaya. What's done is done…" He gave her another forced smile, which only disconcerted her more. She stood up, her hands still on Vincent's shoulders. She wanted to emphasize her point physically.

"If you need me, I'm always here."

"I know. Thanks, Maaya." He shrugged off her semi-embrace. "I'm thirsty. I think I'll go upstairs to the café and get a drink."

Maaya suddenly found herself thirsty as well, but she knew Vincent well enough to assume that this meant he needed to go think for awhile longer. She just smiled and nodded. "I think I'm going to go break up the lovebirds over there. Come back down if you need anything." She then waltzed over to where Robert and Amy were, and began talking with them.

Vincent watched her for a minute or so before heading up the stairs. Midway up, he called down, "Amy, what time is it?"

Amy looked startled as she checked her watch. "9:40, Sir!"

He nodded and continued up the stairs. He went straight past the café, not really being thirsty or hungry at all. He hadn't eaten anything in the last twenty-four hours, and only did so when Maaya made him. He smiled slightly. That girl was always looking out for him. She was the only who really knew what he was going through. She would always listen to him, and let him cry, and try to perk him up with idle gossip that she knew he didn't really even care about. Maaya knew Vincent as well as he knew himself… she had been his partner in the Turks for four years now, and they had grown up in the same town. She was his only real friend.

Vincent knew that Maaya loved him. He often felt guilty about not returning those feelings, especially after what had happened. It had been almost a year. It was time to move on.

But he couldn't. He doubted that, even given thirty years, he would be able to forget.

He recalled things too clearly - the day that he had run to her house with a ring in his pocket, to walk out torn and dejected… the day he had received an invitation to her wedding, to someone else… the day that he had found out about the "experiment", how he had protested… how he had let it all happen… 

Robert, upon finding out about the situation, had smacked him and told him to "forget the bitch". Maaya had several times suggested it was best to let things be, to move on.

He had tried. But he couldn't.

And, as he reached the final stair, he realized that there was nothing he could do to change her mind.

It was, in his mind, his greatest sin… to let this all happen.

He hesitatingly opened the door to the laboratory on the 52nd floor. It was dark but for a glowing green tank at the end of the room. A shape was blocking the tank.

"Lucrecia…" he said softly. She turned around. Her eyes were sad, her normally lustrous chestnut hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her lab coat was dirty and torn. Se kept one hand on the tank.

"Vincent… have you seen him yet?"

He shook his head no and walked slowly toward her.

"Isn't he beautiful?"

He nodded numbly, averting his eyes after a single look.

"My son…" she muttered, stroking her hand across the tank, across the months-old baby inside of it.

Vincent took hold of that hand, pulled it gently off of the tank, put it by her side.

She turned to look at him, instinctively moved closer. "Vincent, what's wrong?"

"Come with me… let's leave this place."

She set her eyes on the floor and mumbled, "I can't."

"Why not?" he tore at her, spreading his arms out in a gesture of impatience.

"I'm married. I have a son."

"Lucrecia, your son is in a test tube. Your husband laid you one night and never looked at you again. You don't even love him."

She looked back up and shouted, "Maybe you're right! But my child needs me!"

"He's not even your son! You know who his real mother is! You KNOW what Hojo did to you!"

"I am his mother! I gave birth to him!" Lucrecia shouted, tears running silently down her face, "He is my son!"

Vincent couldn't bear to look at her any longer. "…you know as well as I do that's not true. He's one of Hojo's 'experiments'…"

She moved even closer toward him, and raised her hand. Vincent looked her straight in the eyes as she slapped him across the face.

"Don't say that, Vincent!" She turned back away, but soon moved toward him again. "…I know that you're right… that both my child and I were… experiments…" Her silent tears turned into sobs as she buried her head in his chest.

Surprised, he started back for a moment, but then relaxed and folded his arms around her. "Shh…"

"All I ever wanted was you…" she murmured into his suit, her tears flowing freely down her cheeks, "I wanted so much to run away with you and never look back the day you proposed to me… I wanted my son to be yours, not his… to have him be as beautiful as you… I… I…"

"…I wish it was true, too, Lucrecia… but it's not…" He lifted one hand between them, carefully placing two fingers under her chin to bring her face up to his.

Their lips met gently. He could still taste the salty tears she had cried, did his best to wipe the new ones away with his fingertips. She put her hand up to his face, drawing him in closer and intensifying the kiss.

The two stayed like that for a few moments before breaking away. They still held each other tightly.

"Come with me," he repeated. "We can start over…"

Looking into his pleading eyes, her lips began to form an answer, but they soon parted, her eyes dilated, and she slumped against his form before falling to the ground, through his arms.

Shocked, he lifted her still form from the ground, noticing the crimson blood spreading rapidly across her grayed lab coat. He looked down at himself and realized that he, too, was bleeding. He set Lucrecia down against the tank that held the boy, clutching his wound with one hand and using the other to check her pulse.

There was nothing.

He let out a long, low moan of anguish before burying his head in her shoulder, letting her hair run across his cheeks. He looked up only when he felt another bullet hit him in the arm.

And he saw Maaya standing there, by the doorway, a gun pointed into the shadows.

His eyes widened, then narrowed in contempt. "Maaya…" he said, softly but scathingly, "Why did you do this to me?"

As if startled, Maaya turned her head to look at him. "Vincent, listen to me! I didn't do it…"

It was obvious by Vincent's expression as he stood that he didn't believe a word she was saying. "You were my friend, Maaya… Why?"

"It wasn't me!" she said hastily as he pulled out his gun and slowly lifted it to point at her. "Over there… there's someone…"

He wasn't listening. She ran toward him quickly and forced the gun down with her hand. "You know I would never do something like this to you, Vincent… I thought you might be here and ran up to find you… I wanted to let you know that –"

Her words were cut short by another bullet, fired from the direction she had previously been facing. Vincent set her down quickly and looked into the shadows of the laboratory. Gun raised, he began walking in the direction the bullets had been fired from.

Slowly, Hojo stepped out of the shadows, a gun in his hand. He was smiling.

"I'm surprised at your friend's devotion to you," he said calmly, gesturing toward Maaya's still form. "She and the other one… the new boy… as soon as I killed off the other one, the boy yelled at her to come find you, to warn you… she did… but I still got to you in the end."

"Oh, God, no…" Vincent whispered, his words not even reaching the other man. "Hojo, have you gone insane! Maaya! Your WIFE!"

Hojo just smiled again. "They were not my intended targets. They simply blocked my reaching my ultimate goal… you. I have been waiting for this moment for years, Vincent Valentine."

"…why? Why do you want to kill me?"

"She loved you…" he said, his voice never leaving his serious, nonchalant tone, "And that was all it took. I know that you think I just used her… but I was always there, in the shadows, every time she was with you… and I wanted to prevent that. So I devised an experiment… anything to take her from you…"

He lifted the gun to Vincent's forehead. "And then, even after it thought I had won, this! She still wants you! I finally will take my revenge on you, Valentine…"

Feeling the cold steel against his skin, Vincent realized that this was no dream. There was no waking up. The stars were mocking him out the window, jeering at him that he only deserved it… he had sinned, after all…

He took one last look at Lucrecia's form, slumped against the tank next to him, closed his eyes, and waited. It wouldn't be so bad to die. He had someone… he had her there. He had Maaya there, too… and Robert, and Amy…

He waited for long, agonizing moments… much the same as a child waiting for birthday presents. There was nothing. He opened his eyes to see Hojo deep in thought.

"But is death enough for you? Or could I do something worse…?"

"Just send me to Hell, Hojo. You're right, I deserve it." There was no bothering with hiding it now. Hr had sinned… and Hell was where he was bound.

"That you do. But if I could make life hell… and give you no escape…"

Vincent sat down by Lucrecia, the gun no longer pressing against his forehead. He took her hand tightly in his.

"I could do it, you know. It's nothing now… I am already a murderer… so why not drown myself even more? It's worth it… getting back at you…"

"Just make up your mind, Hojo. I deserve whatever you give me." Vincent replied calmly.

"Such a shame though… she never once held that boy… all because of you…"

That was it. Vincent lunged himself forward. "You never even let her hold her own child?!" he screamed at Hojo, who just smiled and held the gun up again.

Vincent felt another shot of pain course through his body and fell to the floor. He heard Hojo say something before his head slammed harshly against the tiled floor.

"There will be no escape for you, Vincent Valentine."

-+-

He awoke in a small inn in Nibelheim. He wouldn't' have known where he was but for the innkeeper, who was jabbering quite loudly about the children who had recently tried to conquer Mt. Nibel, how he was so glad the little girl was back safely, how the boy should be sent away.

Vincent sat himself up rather groggily, trying to regain his senses. He vaguely wondered how long he had been out. Sitting up in the bed, he found himself listening to the innkeeper once again.

"Yeah, it's certainly odd, but who knows with those Shinra people these days? Probably want to do some research or something… though why the hell they'd wanna use the mansion is beyond me… what with those experiments they've been conducting, I'm surprised we haven't ALL mutated yet…"

Vincent stood up from the bed and walked out into the common room. The innkeeper immediately ceased discussing the mansion to look at him. "Well, you finally woke up! I was worried about you a bit… haven't been conscious for at least a week… some Shinra scientist hauled you here in a truck, said you needed rest."

He nodded and asked the innkeeper quietly, "You said something about the Shinra using the mansion..?"

"Oh, yeah! Was just discussing it with Mabel here! Yeah, some freaky scientist comes and says he needs the mansion, and we say he's welcome to it… using it for some more of that freaky Mako research, no doubt…"

"Who was it who went in there?"

"Freaky scientist type. Had glasses and his hair back in a little ponytail…"

Vincent narrowed his eyes. "Hojo…"

He burst out of the inn and headed straight for the mansion, ignoring the guards that plagued him to show ID. He went straight upstairs, having known about the secret passage for a long time. He paused only for a moment to play the grand piano sitting in the room by the passage itself. It was a song Lucrecia had often played… one she had sung for him, in the Cave… the day before…

Shaking the memory from his head, he stormed into the basement. He barged through the door there, finding Hojo absorbed in some type of research. He reached for the gun that was normally by his side, but found it missing.

Hojo turned to look at him. "Ah, finally awake, Vincent? Good, I was afraid I'd killed you… but no matter. I figured you'd come down to kill me… so I've prepared a bit of a surprise for you." He smiled and gestured toward a large tank filled with Mako. "This will be your home for the next few days… weeks… but for now, to put you under…"

He shot a dart toward Vincent, and it landed in his arm. Vincent winced, but quickly pulled the tranquilizer out of his arm and threw it to the floor.

Hojo just smiled again, but there was a light in his eyes that made it clear to Vincent that he was not smiling because he was happy. Not in the least. "It doesn't have to stay in your arm, Valentine… just the one shot was enough… and besides, it may be better to keep you awake… make you feel it."

Vincent just glared at him. No words could easily express the pure hatred he felt for this man… this man who had taken everything away from him. He just waited as Hojo tied his hands behind his back with a fairly strong rope… just waited as he was shoved into the Mako tank. After all, it was only a result of his sin… another consequence of what he had done wrong.

The door closed behind him, and he realized quite quickly that it wasn't Mako he was in, nor was it a simple tranquilizer dart that had hit his arm. Through the glass he could see Hojo working steadfastly at some chart of observations, looking up every once in a while, that same glint of insanity still shining in his eyes.

It was an interesting experience, he decided, being in that tank of God-knows-what. It was almost soothing, even as he felt something changing inside him… kind of tingly, actually. He closed his eyes and let himself fall…

_"Come on, Vincent, it's beautiful in here!"_

Vincent looked skeptical as he climbed out of the Shinra sub he had borrowed for the day, but figured that following her wouldn't hurt. The worst that could happen was that they'd walk into a dark, musty cave with several monsters lying in wait, after all.

However, that was not at all what lay in wait inside. He lifted his head to look at the ceiling, astounded by the odd blue glow that radiated from every aspect of the cave. The floor itself shimmered as though it was still submerged in pure water. There was a tiny altar of sorts carved expertly into the far wall, from which a pure white light was shining.

"…it is beautiful…"

"I told you it was! This is where I come to sit and think. I thought that you might like to see it."

"Talk about your fancy retreats." He looked over to her, smiling there, hands behind her back. She motioned toward the altar.

"We're not at Shinra Towers now, so there's no reason for these fancy suits." Upon saying this, she shed her lab coat, hanging it over her shoulder by a finger. "Come on, make yourself at home!"

She walked over to sit on the altar, and Vincent saw that it wasn't carved in there at all… it was natural. He awkwardly took off his coat and tie, setting them on the floor, and went to join her.

"There must be some other reason you called me here… other than to show me this place…"

She shook her head and laughed. "You see right through me, Vincent. I wanted to tell you that…"

Lucrecia paused in the middle of her sentence, as though considering whether or not to tell him. He gestured for her to go on, which she reluctantly did.

"I've agreed to take part in one of Hojo's experiments. It's only a temporary thing, but we won't be able to see much of each other for awhile…"

He raised an eyebrow. It was obvious that she was still hiding something, but he didn't want to press her further. Instead, he placed his hands over hers softly. "Well, you and I both know that Hojo's a bit… eccentric, but if you really want to do it, then I support you fully."

She smiled again and nodded. "I was afraid you wouldn't… that you'd tell me to get away from him."

"Just don't let him do anything to you. When you come back from wherever… I want you to be just the same."

"I'm leaving late tomorrow… it'll be around ten months before we can see each other again."

He drew back slightly, shocked. "Gee, you sure gave me a lot of notice."

"I'm sorry. It's all a bit soon for me too. But I thought that maybe we could be together one last time, before…"

He nodded. "I called in sick today, so… we have all the time you need."

She smiled softly at him, and gazed deep into his eyes. "Good."

They moved closer together, and their lips met tentatively. Vincent held her tightly to him, fearing… something…

…

She was gone when he awoke several hours later. Somewhere deep inside him, he'd known that she would be… Lucrecia was never much of one for good-byes. Besides, it might be better this way…

He pulled his suit back on and walked out of the cave. He was mildly surprised to find the submarine exactly where he had parked it, but he'd partially expected it. She always disappeared in that way, and he wondered if there was some other passage around here. Shrugging, he boarded the ship and submerged. 

He was rather rudely awakened by Hojo opening the door to the tank some weeks later. He hit the floor quite harshly, his head banging against the now-wet tiles. He tried to reach his hand up to feel for blood, but quickly realized that wouldn't help much, seeing as he was still bound. Hojo looked down on him, feigning concern.

"Did that hurt, Valentine? Don't worry, there's no blood to speak of. However… I think we may have a success on our hands here…" He reached down to undo Vincent's bindings. "Now then, be a good boy and wait right there… rest assured I'll give you some chocolate when we're done…"

Vincent reached down to his hip, used to having a gun there from years of being a Turk. However, he was once again discouraged to find that it was no longer there… it hadn't been there earlier, he remembered, and he'd be damned if Hojo willingly provided him with a means of murder.

Hojo turned back to face Vincent. "Stand up. I'll feel bad if I do this while you're on the ground."

Vincent stood up shakily. "Do what you want, Hojo. I'm just another one of your experiments, now, aren't I? Just like Lucrecia… and your son… and every boy who'll ever enter Shinra from now on, right? We don't matter to you anymore… anything to further your precious science."

"Touching words, Vincent. And perhaps true as well. But you're pitifully off the mark with one of those shots, Vincent... rather unlike a Turk, if you ask me. But no matter. Now to see if you've passed."

He pulled a shotgun out of his pocket and began to shoot Vincent. He carefully aimed each shot so that it wouldn't kill… made sure to not let Vincent lose too much blood. He wanted him to break, not to die…

Vincent winced with each bullet sent into his body. He knew there was more coming, knew that Hojo wanted him to attack…knew that something was stirring deep inside him.

He began to twitch, as if having some sort of muscle spasm. Hojo muttered under his breath. "Yes…"

Vincent's hands tensed, he felt himself lose control of his own body, felt a surge of pain ripping through him, tearing him apart… he tried to raise an arm to look at it, and found that his smooth, pale skin was no longer there… that it had been replaced by a fierce, muscled claw… he felt his whole body changing, his suit ripping…

He heard Hojo's laughter, heard him scratching something onto paper. "A success, Vincent. I thought it might work…" Hojo produced a potion out of his pocket and threw it at Vincent. He felt the substance curing his wounds, but at the same time it didn't change him…

Hojo shot again. "Come get me, Vincent. You know you want to…"

Before he could stop himself, Vincent was lunging forward, claws bared, roaring out some song of bloodlust. His mind screamed "No," but his body… if it was even his anymore… would not respond. Those vicious claws struck the scientist again and again, until Hojo feigned dead and the beast stopped. Vincent watched as the hideous claws and huge purple arms retreated back into his familiar, thin form. Exhausted, he fell slowly to the floor.

Hojo cured himself before turning back to Vincent. "Yes, you are certainly a success. An unruly beast, just as you already were… but this time, literally…" He laughed, and Vincent tried to shoot a glare up at him. It didn't work – he was still far too weak to do much other than breathe and keep his heart beating. Hojo turned away again, to produce some new clothing out of a desk drawer. "This should suit you. It's simple, but I wasn't about to waste any expense on you."

He threw the clothing toward Vincent – a simple, black suit. It resembled the suit they wore in SOLDIER slightly, but it was black and had shorter sleeves. He tried to put it on, only to find that one of his arms… the left one… no longer worked correctly.

"Oh, damn, side effects. Well, I brought a suitable prosthesis just in case." Hojo smiled again and pulled a gold-tinted metal arm… with claws… out of another drawer in the desk. "Now then, you just change yourself and leave. I don't want to ever see you again."

Vincent attached the prosthesis and struggled into the suit. It was a bit too small, but it was better than nothing. "Why are you letting me live?"

"I already told you. Better than sending you to Hell, let's make the remainder of your life Hell first. You deserve it."

Inside, Vincent agreed. He had sinned. He had let this happen. It was his own duty to live with the consequences… the loss of Lucrecia, Maaya, Robert… and this.

Hojo left the mansion, tossing Vincent back a gun as he did so. "It's not loaded, so you can't shoot me in the back like the coward you are."

Vincent picked it up off the ground and put it in the holster at his side. He then began to walk the basement of the mansion… rather like a sleepwalker, he thought. He peered into every room in the library, but didn't much feel like reading. He cleaned up the mess of blood and fluid from inside the tank with a rag he found on one of the shelves. Someone might want to use this place for better purposes later, he thought. He threw the rag aside and exited the library.

Finding a small room near the exit, he entered inside it. It was an old crypt, perhaps for whoever had lived here before. There were three coffins and several skeletons scattered about.

_How nice it would be to die, just like them… to atone for this in Hell, where I belong…_

He stalked over to the coffin on the far right and rid it of it's skeleton. He ripped the lining out of it and used it to hold up his hair, which had grown considerably longer throughout the ordeal. Rather liking the crimson shade after so long of wearing blues, he swept over to the coffin on the other side, which was slightly bigger. He carefully tore the lining out of this one, and used it as a cape. Considering perhaps making another addition to his outfit, he walked to the middle coffin, the biggest one, and found it empty.

_How nice it would be to die, just like them…_

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the mandatory disclaimer:

I don't own FFVII, Vincent Valentine, Lucrecia, or Hojo. If I did, I would actually have money and might have better things to do than write angsty fanfics.

This is my first FFVII fic. I might write more, I might not. ^^; It really depends on how good or bad people think this one is. There is not other chapter to this story at all, either, so don't ask. I have enough people telling me to write more of "Obscurity" [a Big O fanfic], I really don't have time to do any more series.

The idea for this fic came from two separate sources - FFVII itself and a fic I found last night (it's called "I Remember", and it's far better than mine). I liked the idea in the fic, so I decided to write my own little interpretation. Please don't sue me, author of that fic who's name I can't quite recall at the moment, I have no money for you to obtain. So credit goes out to him/her as well.

Uhm… what else? I've never really written a disclaimer before. Well, please review. It really is positive reviews from people that keep me going. You can even flame me if you want! I don't care! I just want to know that somebody reads my stuff.

And that's gonna be it, because I'm running out of ideas. ^^;; so… uhm… g'bye all, and I hope you enjoyed the fic!


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